My Fears

Let me start by saying that ever since that day that I didn't go to the airport the day that my momma left I've never been one to openly share my feelings unless you beat it out of me. I was in therapy for a while and after two therapists, I actually found one that I could talk to and open up to only for her to end up moving away shortly there after. Brad to this day wishes I would open up more, and he is slowly starting to see and understand why it is so hard for me. I in no way blame this on my momma, but it's the point in which it started.


So in a feeble attempt to open up somewhat here is a few of the things that I fear right now. And, no, I'm not talking about a fear of spiders or the dark.


*I'm scared to death about having another child. Hell, my first one isn't even talking or walking and I'm about to bring into this world another?

*I fear that my father has just abandoned his family for a new, more modern model. The last time my father saw Brayden was I believe in March. I think Brad had just had his appendix taken out, I could be wrong but its been since atleast then. Has my father made the effort to come out here and see him? No, he's too busy with his family and going to the country. I was unemployed for over a month before he even found out about that. His only response to finding out that he will have a granddaughter- " we'll if thats what ya'll want" Well, hell its not like we had a choice and picked one out at the grocery store.

*I fear horribly that he won't make it to Brayden's first birthday party. Which I scheduled for after he is to get off work if he has to work. That would be the last straw. Don't feed me a bullshit reason as to why you couldn't make it. Just know that you won't play any larger part in Brayden or Aslynn's lives than the little that you already do.

*I hate the fact that there is a possibility that Aslynn might grow up not really knowing her grandfather simply because his real family doesn't fit into his schedule that he has with his new family.

I know this next one isn't a fear but I need to say it and yea...

It upsets me the most that my own father, the man that helped create me, the man whose father I honored by giving Brayden his middle name, didn't even so much as call me on Mother's Day. Call me petty but don't call me jealous. Why should it be that he can get a card and flowers for her daughter for Mother's Day but I don't get shit. I didn't want a card or flowers. I just wanted acknowledgement that I brought into this world a biological grandson for you.




I guess there was a trend there...what once used to be feelings of hate towards my mother, which no longer exist, are now feelings of hate towards my father.


So what if you are happy, can't you realize that your two daughters, as much as they are their mother, are miserable and really just can't stand your bullshit any more? Just because you've found happiness with another woman doesn't mean that you can just drop your blood just because.