The Final Countdown...

And so it has begun. The wait.


With Brayden the wait lasted over a month. With Brayden the wait had unsuccessful attemps to "speed things up". Ie....castor oil and oj, bouncing up and down on a yoga ball, walking the mall several times for many days, and even sex.


Will it be the same with Aslynn?

I went today for my 35 weeker and GBS swab and because of conintual cramping for over a week, I was checked. I am 2-3 cm dilated. Aguayo gives me two weeks. She said that with Brayden. But I think I more so believe her this time being that this is my second time around.

These cramps, whether they are contractions and just feel like cramps to me or what, are killer.


Just please dear Aslynn come after your brother's birthday. That's all mommy asks.

My Fears

Let me start by saying that ever since that day that I didn't go to the airport the day that my momma left I've never been one to openly share my feelings unless you beat it out of me. I was in therapy for a while and after two therapists, I actually found one that I could talk to and open up to only for her to end up moving away shortly there after. Brad to this day wishes I would open up more, and he is slowly starting to see and understand why it is so hard for me. I in no way blame this on my momma, but it's the point in which it started.


So in a feeble attempt to open up somewhat here is a few of the things that I fear right now. And, no, I'm not talking about a fear of spiders or the dark.


*I'm scared to death about having another child. Hell, my first one isn't even talking or walking and I'm about to bring into this world another?

*I fear that my father has just abandoned his family for a new, more modern model. The last time my father saw Brayden was I believe in March. I think Brad had just had his appendix taken out, I could be wrong but its been since atleast then. Has my father made the effort to come out here and see him? No, he's too busy with his family and going to the country. I was unemployed for over a month before he even found out about that. His only response to finding out that he will have a granddaughter- " we'll if thats what ya'll want" Well, hell its not like we had a choice and picked one out at the grocery store.

*I fear horribly that he won't make it to Brayden's first birthday party. Which I scheduled for after he is to get off work if he has to work. That would be the last straw. Don't feed me a bullshit reason as to why you couldn't make it. Just know that you won't play any larger part in Brayden or Aslynn's lives than the little that you already do.

*I hate the fact that there is a possibility that Aslynn might grow up not really knowing her grandfather simply because his real family doesn't fit into his schedule that he has with his new family.

I know this next one isn't a fear but I need to say it and yea...

It upsets me the most that my own father, the man that helped create me, the man whose father I honored by giving Brayden his middle name, didn't even so much as call me on Mother's Day. Call me petty but don't call me jealous. Why should it be that he can get a card and flowers for her daughter for Mother's Day but I don't get shit. I didn't want a card or flowers. I just wanted acknowledgement that I brought into this world a biological grandson for you.




I guess there was a trend there...what once used to be feelings of hate towards my mother, which no longer exist, are now feelings of hate towards my father.


So what if you are happy, can't you realize that your two daughters, as much as they are their mother, are miserable and really just can't stand your bullshit any more? Just because you've found happiness with another woman doesn't mean that you can just drop your blood just because.

Still baking a pot roast among other things

Tuesday I was scheduled to have my normal 2 week check up just to see how everything was. Aside from the small emotional outburst triggered by lack of sleep, not feeling well, and well honestly tired of being preggo, everything was fine. She was concerned about the fact that I hadn't felt Aslynn move all that much so she sent me right across the street to the hospital for a Non-Stress Test.

Aslynn was doing beautifuly, aside from the high high high heartbeat that at one point was in the 180's. Well needless to say mine wasn't so hot either. The highest mine got was around 145, resting. The nurse, who was there when I delivered Brayden, was concerned with me being sick because " I sounded like crap in the lungs". So she pushed for a chest x-ray, thinking I might have pneumonia. Short story I didn't have it but the started a few rounds of breathing treatments and was scheduled to be on my way home that evening. Good... I missed my Tater.

WELL. My heart rate never really settled but Aslynn's did. Well the Dr decided to admit me over night, continue the breathing treatments and go home the next day.

FASTFORWARD::::

Well Wednesday, I still sound like crap, feel like crap, at some points are shaking, and my HR was still elevated while resting. So she sends me for a CT scan of my chest. Now she thinks I have a blood clot somewhere :(

Well, I don't. But she is still convinced that something is wrong with me that needs to be watched and after telling her that I was basically ignored all day, hadn't been able to keep anything down, not getting a lunch and everything else amongst everything that is still wrong, she keeps me yet another night and start me on fluids and something for the nausea.

I've seen Brayden once since I dropped him off at Toni's house around 11:30 on Tuesday. I'm ready to go home bad.

Well I finally got to go home on Thursday BUT not after an EKG and an EEG.

Conclusion:

3 days in the hospital and I just have a REALLY HORRIBLE REALLY BAD CASE OF BRONCHITIS. Erg.


At one point yes, she did fathom the idea with me of going ahead and taking Aslynn if that was what was going to finally get my heart rate to go down but she decided that she wasn't going to do that.

Oh yea and my heart rate still in the 115's. I go back to see her on Monday so she can check on me and Aslynn and I guess we will go from there.

And nope, I can barely talk. Brad's been joking that this is the best illness ever...Ass! :)

Mother's day and a sick Tater :(

We'll start with the sick Tater. Poor guy wasn't feeling himself at all on Friday. And needless to say as we were out running some errands goopy green stuff started to come out of both eyes. Needless to say, I pick up my phone and call Aunt NiNi. She gets him an appointment and while I'm taking biggins to work she plays mommy and snuggler during his appointment. Poor guy walked out of there with an ear infection in his left ear, pink eye in BOTH eyes and and upper respiratory infection :( Needless to say he was hooked up with some drugs and was still happy enough to continue on with his visit to Aunt NiNi's and Uncle Craig's. BTW I want a Wii so bad!!! That was so much fun playing with Monica.


Mother's Day went well aside from a sickly boy and a still sickly momma. Tater and Brad got me an electric griddle and a spice rack for Mother's Day. I could have killed him for getting me something because I told him that I didn't want anything just a card.




I go to the doctor tomorrow for my two week checkup and I have a feeling I'm not going to have gained any of the weight back. I don't know what is wrong, its just such a task to eat something through out the day. I'm never hungry when I do eat and I know its bad for me and I try to eat and whatnot its just hard. When I went two weeks ago, I had lost all the weight that I had gained minus the roughly 3 pounds that Aslynn weighs. I'm not proud of this because with Brayden I gained nearly 30 pounds. She's not too concerned with it as long as Aslynn is growing but along with the incredible shrinking scale I've noticed an incredible shrinking belly. I think I should also factor in the fact that I don't sleep at night. No position makes me comfy, and I can't get my pelvis to relax. If I finally do get comfy, that whole leg falls asleep and causes pain. I might have to ask for some intervention or something with the whole sleep issue. It really plays onto me during the day while I've got a fully active Tater, esp after Brad leaves for work.